ahhhh

I'm sitting at the Wahlerts "babysitting" although it's the easiest job in the world.  I'm working on work and drinking a beer.  I'd be eating cake if there were some!  Ben is asleep and they expect him to stay that way while they are out celebrating their anniversary. 

I did feel bad leaving Walter and Evan alone but I know they will be fine, Walter is exhausted.  He had a busy night.  When we got home I had to clean up the branches in the yard and when we went outside the neighbors were out with their dog so Walter and Casey wanted to go play.  We ended up in the back yard chatting for 40 minutes.  We now have a dog sitter and a baby sitter across the street!  And someone to call us and let us know when the garage door is left open.  It only took a year!  Walter and Lucky ran around their yard the entire time.  Walter would chase lucky, Lucky would chase Walter.  It was great. 

(long story short about the bushes:  I got a bee in my bonnet on Sunday and decided to rip out some bushes except this was after I’d already raked up the entire back yard worth of dead moss and cleaned up the branches that Evan cut the previous weekend so the yard waste bin was full.  Today was garbage day so I had to clean them up and get them out of the yard.  Evan wasn’t happy about the bushes being gone.  Does he know me at all?  He should call my mother and ask her or my father how easy it is to change my mind when I’ve already got my mind set on something.  Maybe some day he’ll learn)

So I’m sure Walter was to be heading to bed about 20 minutes after I left.  This week Walter has not had a single book read before bed, because he instead wants to dance!  He’ll get up on his stool and reach for a CD and ask to dance.  So we turn on music and dance and then he’ll crawl in my lap and lay his head down, so it’s keeping him happy, that’s all I care about.  Tonight he again told me what he wanted for dinner.  He doesn’t always get what he asks for but I like that he asks for things.  Cheese, peas, applesauce, and bun were his requests tonight.  He also got chicken and rice but he didn’t touch it at all.  At least it was on his plate, right? 

I have been praying and praying (and so has almost everyone I know I think, so thank you) for some peace at work, for a good attitude, for appreciation for the things that I have and for the “snap out of it and be grateful” feeling to kick in.  Remarkable it worked today was a pretty decent day.  Oddly, Evan’s been having a rough time at work.  He is not used to things not going his way or happening other than how he expects them to and he’s not used to corporate america and the disappointment and heartache that can come with that.  Last week he took a mental health day and did “nothing” for all I know on Friday.  On my way home I called him to say we were a block away so time to put on a happy face and enjoy your family.  The frumpy can return when Walter goes to sleep.  I got the car all situated and then he kinda moped all weekend ( like I can complain, I’ve been moping for months about work).  he’s still not over it but this weekend is taking a guys trip to the woods to camp for 2 nights and I really think that will help him (i am praying it will help him and he can move on.  I know he wants to, he just isn’t there yet and this being a new experience for him, he needs to figure out how he can move on).  It was originally going to be all of us camping but the other females dropped out so I decided a wife and kid would ruin the vide.  Walter and I are going to do all kinds of fun things since it’s going to rain, we will for sure keep busy!  I wanted to hike with him myself but not in the rain!  Monday is my last half marathon of the summer.  I’ve really only got 1 or 2 more events before the weather turns.  I think Evan and Walter are going to come cheer me on, or at least try to hook up with me later.  I’ve got a crazy aggressive goal for this race, so I’m starting to do things like taper and control my food intake this week hoping things will be spot on Monday morning for a good time.  I’m going to be OK if I don’t hit my goal.  My stupid competitive and over achieving friends make me think I can do more than I really can.  I tell them not to talk to me like that because it will only lead to disappointment but they don’t listen.   My last 10K time was my PR (at the age of 30) but I still was disappointed that it wasn’t 15 sec average pace faster.  Someone thinks I can drop 15 seconds off my pace for 13.1 over what I did for the 6.1.  Those crazy crazy girls. 

Last week I was moping and having a kinda down week since I felt like I was loosing control and falling so far behind on everything at home, the house, the cars, the dry cleaning, the groceries, the laundry, the birthday and anniversary cards, paperwork, doctors appointments, meetings, fun things to do with Walter, ect….  Everything in August just sped right past me.  Evan was trying to make me feel better by reminding me that he doesn’t know anyone  else in Seattle that can and does crank out 6 or 8 miles in the morning in under and hour 4 days a week and still make it to work  by 7:30.  Somewhere along the line I’ve lost the thrill of being proud of myself.  I’ve come to expect more, work harder, run faster, drop more time, ect…  On Tuesday I ran 5 miles before work and I got into work feeling disappointed.  Today we did 8 miles with killer hills in under an hour and I’m disappointed that I can’t be at home tonight to work on strength training.  I want to get back to the point where it feels good, where I can be proud of what I’ve done and crave doing more with out expecting the improvement and being disappointed if there is none.  How do I get there?  The girls I run with have grown in to some of my dearest friends here.  We talk about EVERYTHIG and we are so involved in each others lives.  I’m worried as the weather turns and we don’t get to run 3 days a week together, we’ll loose that connection.  My challenge is going to be to find other ways to connect to them with out having to give up my entire Saturday morning like I’ve been doing.  OK that was a total random outburst.  Not sure where that came from but I guess it’s good to identify the feelings I’ve been having. 

I’ve got a bit more work to do and I’m afraid Brian and Sarah might be home soon so I''m checking out as of now.  More from (lonely) me later this weekend I’m sure as I try to find ways to fill my time while Walter naps and sleeps.